How Race Is Lived in
South Orange and Maplewood
Stories Told By People Who Live Here
April 2009
1. At Columbia High School it is the Black History Month Program, and students are asked to stand for the “Star Spangled Banner.” Next, they are asked to stand for the “Black National Anthem” (“Lift Ev’ry Voice and Sing”). A white student doesn’t get up. African American students are perturbed. Words are exchanged.
2. At the end of a meeting, the hostess mentions that she is moving. The African-American guest asks her why. She says, Ur...my husband thinks it is too diverse here. The guest presses her to see what “too diverse” means, and the woman points out that across the street is a gay couple, next door an inter-racial family, and on the other side an elderly woman She continues that her husband is very conservative and felt out of place in this community, especially around election time when the entire block, except for their house, was plastered with Obama signs. The woman then launches into a diatribe about how bad the high school is because she sees many African-American students walking home from school, and the way they dressed is reprehensible.
3. Realtors in our community have a rule of thumb that you don’t drive your potential home buyer customers by Columbia High School 3pm
4. A white woman was house-hunting some years ago. She asked the real estate saleswoman if she would encounter any anti-Jewish hostility. The sales woman replied, ”They will be so glad you’re not Black that they won’t mind at all that you’re Jewish ”
5. A frustrated parent tells how her son, who has very dark skin, said to her one day, Mom, it's impossible for a person with dark skin to get ahead at that school. He currently attends CHS. The mother continued to tell how her son informed her that he raises his hands all the time to comment or answer a question in class but the teacher never even notices him, and she never calls on him. In addition, she told the group that the teacher sends reports home that he needs to participate in class.
6. A light skinned black woman was new in town, and a white neighbor invited her over for tea. The hostess leaned near and said, “It is so wonderful to have you in the neighborhood, dear. We've been getting a few too many of them ”
7. An African American child was accepted into the gifted program (4th or 5th grade). A white acquaintance whose son was also recommended told the African American parent that she believed the African American child took her child’s spot because they needed more kids of color
8. An African-American parent was in front of the Main Office at CHS, and a group of boys of color passed by. As they passed, they called out to a white boy, shoving him to the side to make room for them to walk by: “Move over white boy
9. When a Latina community member first moved here, people used to ask her what her background was because they couldn't place her accent. When she said, “Puerto Rican,” she would get responses like: “You’re different, you don’t speak like the rest of them.” She’d always ask how Puerto Ricans speak, and the others usually didn't answer but sometimes they'd say Well you don't act like them either . She would tell them she didn't know all Puerto Ricans were supposed to act a certain way and maybe they should tell her how to act. Usually they got the hint that they were being offensive and didn't say anything else. If they said, “Really? You don't look Puerto Rican,” she’s tell them that Puerto Ricans come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
10. The same Latina woman was in the locker room at the Jewish Community Center, which is the large center in nearby West Orange where many South Orange/Maplewood people go for sports and other programs. She was at the JCC in the locker room, chatting, and one of the women asked her where she went to college. When she said “Brandeis,” the other woman said, “I wish my son had gone to Brandeis so he would have married a nice Jewish girl like you instead of the shiksa he did marry ”
11. A white member of the Board of Trustees of the South Orange/Maplewood Community Coalition on Race was hosting a Coalition event on the porch of his house where he had set out some really nice cheeses and wines. About 12 people from his neighborhood came by to learn more about the Coalition and share stories about race. The wife of one of the African-American couples was telling a story and interrupted herself with the example, “Whenever I go to a white person’s party, there nothing but cheese and wine or liquor ” The Coalition Trustee looked at the offerings on the table and noticed that she was right. But, he also noted to himself, that it was damn good wine Everyone looked at the table, and he said, “Well, excuse me ” and everyone broke up in to laughter.
12. A white woman was chatting with an African-American woman, who she knew very little. The African-American woman mentioned that she grew up locally and attended a prestigious prep school nearby as a teenager. The white woman expressed surprise. The African-American woman’s face flashed with anger and disappointment, and the white woman wasn’t sure what that was about. Later, as the white woman was driving home, she mulled over the conversation and wondered why it suddenly got so awkward. Then suddenly it hit her that she had been misunderstood. She, the white woman, had moved around so much in her childhood that she was amazed to talk with someone who had always lived in one community. The African-American woman had assumed that the surprise was about an African American going to a prestigious prep school. The white woman still feels embarrassed that she wasn’t more clear and sensitive, but she also sees this as an example of the ways that race undermines trust between people.
13. An African-American couple lives in Maplewood, and the man recalls that one day when their son was quite young – perhaps 4 or 5 years old – he was in the front yard with a number of neighbors, and the children were playing together happily….a mix of black and white children together. It reminded the man of an idyllic TV commercial. At some point, one of the children, a young white boy, said something to the man’s son that had obviously derogatory racial overtones. The African-American boy continued to play on, oblivious to the implications of what was said to him, but the man remembers thinking that little kids aren’t born knowing that kind of language, they have to learn it somewhere. And he looked over at the father of the boy, and he saw the glance, and then he had an embarrassed, awkward look on his face. The African-American father didn’t say anything; just smiled, took note of things, and went back to looking at the children happily playing together. Neither of the men said any more about it; but it was a reminder that everything isn’t necessarily always as idyllic as it might seem.
14. A white woman was holding her 7-year old's hand as they entered a store. The mother said, We got to buy you some new shoes in the voice her grandmother used with her as a child. Her grandmother was a first generation working class American, raised in an urban center. Her grammar lapses were endearing to the woman. The 7 year old said Hey, you mean we 'have' to, correcting his mother’s grammar. She was proud--for a moment. He then said, That's how black people talk. The mother gulped, felt mortified, and wondered how she could explain the pitfalls of generalizing and what stereotyping is– all this as they argued over whether he could get the superhero light-up sneakers. The mother was reminded of when her older child, at age 4, once asked as they drove up Springfield Avenue why only black people waited for the bus. In both cases, the white mother’s inclination was to tell them that their experience wasn't true And, in both cases what went round in her head was Please don't ever say that again These were weak responses and she knew she had to do better, but it wasn't easy. She couldn't deny their experience or wish away their observations. She had to face them at their level of understanding, and she had to acknowledge that they were depending on her to teach them. Even now with teenagers, she says it's an on-going conversation coupled with living the talk and not a one-time lesson.
15. Elementary School story: an African-American girl is invited on a play date by a second grade friend who happens to be white. The African-American drops her off and asks to meet the other girl’s mom. The little friend indicates that Mom was not available (upstairs doing something)....so the mother leaves, thinking she would meet the mother when she picks up her daughter. When she went to pick up her daughter, Mom still wasn't available. The African-American mother told her daughter that she couldn't go back to visit unless her mother met a parent. So the little girl told her white friend, and her friend told her that the reason her Mom didn't come down is because the friend and her family were black. Apparently the issue hadn’t come up in advance because the white mother assumed the friend would be white. Needless to say, there were no more play dates, although the little girls remained friends in school.
16. At the end of the recent Achievement Gap Study Series, a Latina approached the leaders of the discussion group us and expressed her concern that all conversations seem to involve white and black students. She felt that her group was not being considered.
17. A white CHS coach was on the field talking to a white parent about how the town was being ruined by all the black people moving in. Another parent, (of color) sitting close by, heard the whole conversation and was very dismayed because her son was entering the 9th grade and would have to deal with this coach. In addition, she had just moved to town because of the racial diversity. She was very upset and worried about how her son would be treated not only by the coach but in the community and school.
18. A new African-American teacher in the district was invited by a white mother for lunch, and then by another white mother for lunch on a different day. Thrilled at first, the teacher began to wonder: Do they do this for all new teachers? Or is this just for me? And if it is, what does that mean?”
19. In the past, there was a lot of prejudice in our communities against Jews and Italians. The well-respected director of the library was about to retire, and a party was planned in her honor. The Maplewood Country club, known to accept only White, Protestant members mostly not Maplewood residents, was chosen by a staff member as the site for this party. A contract had already been signed before any objection could be raised. The director apologized to the two Jewish librarians on staff. The Jews assured her that they didn’t hold it against her, and that they would certainly attend the party, but they needed to express a protest. They sent a letter to the country club with a copy to the News- Record stating that they would attend the party because of their fondness for the director, in spite of the fact that they deplored their membership policies. One of the librarians assigned her mother the task of finding the biggest Star of David in New York City. She came up with a necklace at least 3 inches across, that we would now call “bling”. The other Jewish librarian, brought up in Israel, had a robe with blue vertical stripes that was very biblical looking. With these get-ups they went to the party and had a wonderful time. And this was not the end of the story Several months later the same party- planner booked the staff Christmas party at the Maplewood Country Club They now had three Jewish staff members and one Quaker who sided with them. The four of them attended the pre-dinner cocktail party in someone’s home and announced that they would not be going with the group to the Country club. Several people avoided making eye contact, some expressed blame toward the group for making them feel guilty, but most seemed not to care. The protesters went to a Chinese restaurant. They decided that at the first sign of discrimination, they would always head for the nearest Chinese restaurant. Sometimes you just have to laugh at what seems futile. However, no library function was held at the country club for the next 20 years.
20. Class trip 4th Grade to Chinatown, NYC. As the bus was arriving, a white girl stood up. pulled her eyes slanted and started to sing song “ching chong, ching, chong.” The African- American teacher was furious and made the bus driver pull over. The young lady was reprimanded and everyone got a lecture on appreciating different cultures. The young lady was asked to apologize to the whole class before the trip could continue.
21. Art work by student (white) that looks exactly the same as another student's (of color)– and the former somehow receives an A+ and the latter an A-. The former student is spoken to with kind words and the latter with not so kind words.
22. Some years ago, a school custodian who was a long time Maplewood resident said that all the trouble with Maplewood was due to the “ Hebrews and the primitive Italians.” A few years later, a family of Newark teachers who were Italian-American wanted to put a swimming pool in their yard. They needed to get a variance, but one of their backyard neighbors went around with a petition warning people that if the pool was built the yard would be “over run with noisy Newark Italians.” The family did get their variance and their pool, and the backyard neighbor moved.
23. A Jewish family’s daughter went on a sleep over with the girl scouts, and one of the parents turned out to have asked a Catholic priest to come and perform a religious service complete with distributed printed responses.
24. A white student leaves Columbia High School early, feeling ill, and goes to the car to go home. The parking lot is a block from the high school, and the student is car jacked– pulled from the car with no great physical damage. Since the student had forgotten to fill the tank, the car jackers were forced to abandon it just a few blocks away. Later, the students’ parents were besieged with calls from white friends asking how they can live in a town that borders Irvington and Newark.
25. Once a white family from our community was up at their grandparents’ beach house in Massachusetts, near where the mother had grown up. They were sitting on the beach, and out of nowhere, the young son asked How come everyone on the beach is white? Later the daughter of the family asked the same question. Irish Catholic by heritage, the family was involved in their local parish, but the kids has gone to Beth El nursery school and learned about another faith and traditions. Attending public school in town, they had friends from all neighborhoods and backgrounds. The boy’s best buddy was an African American and the daughter had friends from Asia, Latin America, and Africa among other places. How they lived was their normal which is not the normal of the north shore in MA. The mother had grown up knowing few people who weren't Catholic let alone of other cultures. College opened that world a bit, but even Boston College was predominately a white, Irish Catholic school at the time. Post college experiences chosen opened up a whole new world of diversity for the mother, and this has continued throughout her adult life and the lives of her children who continue to have friends of many diverse racial, religious, ethnic, and sexual orientation backgrounds. The mother realized that she had never really talked about race, and she hesitated now to say that at because people of other racial backgrounds are not really welcome in this neck of the woods . So she just said he asked a good question and wasn’t their family lucky to have so many people who didn't look like them as friends, and what a great town we lived in. Over the years since, she has talked quite a bit about race with her kids, and she attributes where they grew up to being pivotal to their sense of social justice and true embracing of the truth that all people are created equal.
